Friday, February 11, 2011

My Inaugural Post

5 things a male yarn crafter wants you to know…

1)      Knitting is Knitting, Crocheting Is Crocheting. You can do both, you can do both on the same project (I don’t know why you would). You cannot do both at once. Knitting involves both hands, each holding a needle, you transfer stitches from one needle to the next. Crocheting involves a hook in one hand, and hold the piece in the other, you transfer stitches directly onto the piece you are crocheting. The index finger on the hand holding the piece tensions the yarn. They are not alike, they are most definitely not the same thing, and the fastest way to tick a yarncrafter off is to keep telling them they are doing one when they are in fact, doing the other.  I don’t know if knitters are constantly told they are crocheting, but I am CONSTANTLY asked “what are you knitting?” The first time it happens, it goes something like this:
              Innocent bystander: “what are you knitting”
              Me: “I’m crocheting a <fill in the blank>”
              No-longer innocent bystander: “Oh my grandmother used to knit”
              Me: Did she? That’s swell, but I’m crocheting..see ? (holding up hook, and 
              displaying both my free left hand and a distinct lack of needles)
              Bystander who has obviously been sent from the depths of hell to torment me:
               “well I think it’s so cute to see men knitting!”
              Me: IYEH! IYEH! CTHULHU FTHAGN!!
At this point I’m picturing mummifying  her in baby melting acrylic and setting her on fire.
My eyes are glowing red, and I’m pretty sure there’s a scary pseudo latin choir chanting “Sephiroth” that only I can hear.
Let’s recap shall we? In English it’s CROCHET & KNIT 
in French it’s CROCHETER &TRICOTER, 
in German it’s  HäKELN and STRICKEN.
Two separate words.. do you know why? 

2)      I play with yarn. Do not presume anything about me other than I play with yarn.  Do not think that just because I am playing with yarn and making pretty things that I am a) a homosexual (although I am); B) effeminate ( I am not), or any other ridiculous stereotype merely because I am doing something you do not traditionally associate with “manly” behavior. I don’t life live by your definition of manly behavior. My Grandfather knit when he was a young man, his father knit, and HIS father knit. These are dyed in the wool (pardon the pun) Salt-of-the-earth Irish hooligans. Call them girly..go ahead.. I’ll wait. I’ll even dial 911 for you..maybe.  If you choose to laugh at me merely because I’m crocheting and don’t fit in to your preconceived notion of what a man should do..please keep two things in mind. First thing.. I’m 6’1” and 275lbs.. chances are pretty good I am bigger than you and outweigh you. Secondly.. I have pointy objects in my hands that I can stab you with, and I have yarn I can garrote you with.. any questions? 

3)      If I am crocheting something, my head is down, my lips are moving silently, and I have stopped blinking, I am not having a psychotic break, I am not turning into rain man. The patterns I tend to like to make are somewhat complicated. I am just counting the stitches I am doing so I know where I am and what I’m doing next. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. As soon as I look up, I’ll be back in the real world, but if you make me lose my place, May whatever God you worship have Mercy on your Immortal soul. I will not.
4)      When you find out I crochet, I will not automatically make socks, hats, scarves or anything else for you. Especially using nice yarn. Especially if you ask me any time from the last Thursday of November through to the first of January. If you ask me to make you anything during that time, I will laugh at you.  A lot. If you press the issue, I will give you a ball of yarn, and a hook, and make you do it yourself. Yes, I mean it.
5)      F**K Rosie Greer – If I had a dime for every time some no-doubt well meaning person has mentioned “oh you know that famous footballer..what’s his name..Rosie Greer.. he does cross stitch and needlepoint..” I would be a billionaire living on my own private island with a herd of Quiviut and a fleet of shirtless eastern European shepherd boys to spin the fleece into yarn for me. The fact that some man who faded from the national spotlight before I was born knew how to sew really doesn’t register with me. I’m a man. I Crochet.. a lot. I CAN knit (but I don’t like to). I don’t need anyone’s permission to do so, and I don’t need permission for it to be okay for a man to play with yarn and hooks and/or a pair of needles.  Men can knit. Men are very good at knitting. Men can crochet. Men are very good at crocheting.


  1. You, my dear sir, are the epitome of awesome. :)

  2. I love male hookers because without them I wouldn't know how to crochet and knit :3

  3. Love it - and you!!! Guess that makes you my favorite hooker! See you Tuesday??

  4. And the blogosphere will never be the same :-)

  5. As always, dear friend, you rock! Miss you bunches!

  6. Funny, I get that a lot too, but what gets me is that people that heard of me, stop me to ask a question (like the potato chip, it's never just one).

    Like, I got nothing else to do or go!!HELLO!!

    Usually something silly, something, if they just took a little time (theirs, not mine), they would figure it out.

  7. have you ever tried Continental knitting? I find that as a crocheter, it is less painful than American.
    Really enjoyed your blog...especially numbers 3 and 4!!! :)

  8. awww, Josh, I miss you! I hope this blog turns into a book. (Juli from Borders/choir)

  9. I just ran across your blog and gosh, you are awesome! I love that I giggled almost the entire time I read your posts. I look forward to reading more! Take care and happy hooking!